Post 2: Revelations and Realizations
Sup Muses?!
Work friends at the annual healthy food convening. June 2019
My first post focused on the many problems at TFT, but also, some of the positive aspects. For the second post, I am diving into epiphanies that I’ve been realizing when assessing my years there and things that are coming to light as I spend time healing and coming out of this situation. The below is a short of list of indications that, perhaps, this situation wasn’t healthy for me.
Shall we dive in? Let’s!! Post #2: Revelations and Realizations
I am physically active: I lift, I run hills and stairs, I hike, I climb, I do yoga, I do all the active things and I LOVE to work out. Around Dec. 2018, I started struggling to workout. For some time, I woke up to lift around 5/5:30am. Yes, it was early, but I enjoyed it and did not have a problem hopping out of bed. Then, I couldn’t. No matter how many alarms I set & no matter how early I went to sleep, I would not get up. Additionally, i missed more and more evening workouts, too. Things I enjoyed doing started taking a backseat. That was a key indictor.
Work friends at my wedding. Sept 2019
I complained. I don’t like complaining, I feel like complaining solves nothing and there are things in life to be grateful for and appreciative of, yet, I found myself complaining, daily, to anyone about the job. In conjunction with that, every Sunday I dreaded the upcoming work week and on Monday morning my happiness level dropped significantly from waking to entering the office. I could feel the dread, and that’s a yucky feeling.
My acne came back and this past summer, my acne on my right cheek flared up and is still sorting itself out. Because I have a healthy diet and drink water, I know that the acne is directly related to stress. The workplace this past summer was especially difficult on top of wedding planning and life changes. Yall, adult acne sucks.
Two months after I started my position, this was back in 2016, our department received an inquiry from someone who wanted to volunteer several hours in my dept. I voiced my concern about bringing in someone when there weren’t many projects :read as: I didn’t have much to do, why would we add another person? The intern started Dec.2016 I reflect on this particular situation because I was struggling with finding work and defining my role. I expressed my hesitations and still, she was brought in. This was a theme I experienced quite often which takes me to my next point- a huge revelation.
In October 2019, I went to an event sponsored by Philly Tech Ladies on Confronting Imposter Syndrome and the first speaker, Chris Cavalieri, asked the audience a few icebreaker questions and one deeply resonated with me: what gets in the way of you showing up (at your job?) I answered to the group with a response like: Having every suggestion, idea, partnership opportunity or question shot down. Every time you try to propose something new or speak up, your voice is diminished. That evening when I spoke, it was verbal confirmation that I haven’t been able to show up as my best self for years. YEARS. Honestly, in 2018 + 2019 I would speak knowing my perspective would add no value*. I knew this. Here’s the thing, I had to speak, because if I didn’t offer opinions and feedback, I wasn’t being a good teammate and I was told to need to speak up more. I was in a situation where I could never win. *this isn’t true for every team or project.
I did not balance work and life and while I don’t believe it was burnout, I know I was off balance, lethargic, irritable and tired of trying🙃I was not fulfilled and unsure how to change my immediate situation. Things I enjoyed doing, things that brought me joy were put on the back burner because I was so exhausted navigating the office space and work community. My self care dwindled, and everything suffered: my health, my participation in extra curricular activities, my happiness and my will to keep giving my best. All these things tie into occupational wellness and occupational wellness influenced other areas of wellness, which is the state of being in good health.
I’ve been learning quite a bit and an important thing I needed to do was to speak the truth and acknowledge my work place’s role AND my role in everything. Now, I am better able to sort through it all and move on in a healthier way.
Next and last blog post; Healing.
XO-JM