Sup Muses?!
I already know this will be my favorite installment out of the blog series. This is the last post in the So I Quit My Job series and it’s about healing, coming to terms with everything, moving on to becoming a better person. So let’s jump right into it! Post #3: Healing.
Some time to myself at Galusha. Such a beautiful & peaceful place.
In the summer, I figured I’d quit after I came back from the honeymoon, but that wasn’t proper timing. I stayed. At the end of October, I went to Vermont for 11 days. I took off work and worked at a retreat with 25 fellows who were artists using the arts to drive community change & bring people together. It was my first time in VT and, y’all, the air is so fresh up there. Philly air ain’t touching Burlington’s air, AT ALL! Although I was busy running here & there throughout the program, I had several opportunities to take time for myself and reflect about the last few months: how I had been feeling and what needed to happen. During my time in VT, I decided that I’d give my notice to TFT as soon as I returned. It felt right and I knew staying would actually become extremely unhealthy for me.
What have I been doing to reset? A bunch of things and even more than what is listed below, but here are the ways I’m resetting and working through the healing process.
I write in my diary. I have 12 journals which date back to 1997 (when I was 7 years old.) I can go several weeks without writing, but I get agitated if I take a >3 week hiatus. The best way I can explain it is: I feel burdened and unsettled, and as soon as I write, I noticed clarity and an immediate stress relief. Therefore, I’ve begun writing again more consistently.
I have scaled back my extracurriculars engagements. I am the chair of the Big Brothers Big Sisters Affinity Group, board member for Young Involved Philadelphia, a Big Sister for over 3 years and I try to support many events. This month will be my last month as the chair of the BBBS affinity group and in November, I stopped being a Big Sister. I haven’t been valuing my time, and I learned this because others didn’t value the time and effort I spent with these activities, so I needed to reprioritize how I was expending time and energy. I’m excited to remain on the board of YIP and do a better job as the programming chair. In the mean time, I’ll be more selective in the after hours events I attend.
It was imperative to talk through what had happened at TFT. Talking has been key in helping me more forward. I’ve shared my story with friends, family, coworkers, and other folks who asked/wondered why I left. Talking through what I’ve been feeling and the situations in the workplace have helped me realize that it was extremely unhealthy (more than I originally thought.) As I spoke with a few folks I heard that what I’m doing is courageous. (I never thought of this decision as being courageous, if anything, I felt like a quitter.) Someone who has looked out for me and helped me over the past few years mentioned that the situations at work were emotional abusive. Accepting that and working through that pain has been monumental to help me heal. In Vermont, one mentor for the fellows was Michael Bobbitt who spoke about his journey to a happier and healthier life and his story resonated with me, deeply. We spoke for a while about the choice to be happy & healthy and how much work one has to do to get to a better point in life. I hope to visit Massachusetts and interview him. Read about him!
Water is good for the body, especially your skin, the largest organ. As my acne flared up, I wanted to intensely work on it holistically without going to the dermatologist to get creams with steroids or other additives. I’ve been struggling to drink 70oz of water daily, but I’ve been drinking way more. Honestly, I am suffering from a breakout now, and the scarring left from old acne is all over, but i’m feeling positive about my progress. My diet consists of fruit, legumes, chicken/seafood and lots of veggies. Low consumption of dairy and gluten. Also, I have a vata body type (more on this later) so when cooler weather arrives, I completely stop green smoothies and salads. Instead I increase stir-frys, warm bowls and heartier warm weather meals (chili, soups, etc.)
My husband told me to take some time to relax and reset. Meaning, don’t leave TFT and start looking for a job right away, chill homie. Accepting that I have the time and support to do this has been a bit difficult for me to process. It’s a privilege that many folks don’t have and one that many people in unhealthy jobs need. On my last day of work I expressed some of my angsts to a friend and she said, Jordan, I would kill for down time like this. It’s not on you to internalize how other people think about this. Take the time and appreciate it. You have it! So yeah, I’m taking this time to reset, pour into museologie and figure out my next move. Relaxing has been surprisingly difficult-I want to keep my time occupied, so getting back into healthy and relaxing habits is a major focus. What are some of my relaxing activities: seeing independent films, leisure reading, Headspace/meditation, climbing and much more. This takes me to the next point.
I’m going back to things I enjoy: visiting cafés around the city, working out hard, cooking new meals and having solo silent dance parties. Yes, I have more time now, but these are things I stopped doing over the past 6-9 months. I’ve been asking myself, what’s important and how can I make some of these activities habits so when I start working again, everything I love doesn’t fall to the wayside?
A really good friend told me I need to make sure I work on forgiving those that hurt me so my feelings won’t sour and become bitter. On my last day, my mother told me to be gracious. As I move forward, I am working on harboring no ill feelings towards TFT, supervisors or my time there. When I speak about my 3 years, I want to be honest, but not spiteful. I also have to acknowledge my role in everything. Acceptance and acknowledgment in the healing process are so vital.
This trip kick started me into using my diary again. A must is writing it out.
If I want to make changes and if I want to continue to move forward and not be stuck, I must be consistent and disciplined. Two important traits, but two I’ve struggled with for years. I have great ideas, but I need to move past the ideation phase and into the implementation and growth phases. This down time is forcing me to deal with myself. It’s so easy to blame others and complain. I’ve been asking myself: am I putting in work to better myself so I can surpass goals in 2020? Will I learn from the lessons and become a more productive, compassionate and focused version of myself… or will I remain stagnate? What are best practices? What are lessons learned? What does balance look like for you?
Muses, I am grateful for my friends and family who I’ve relied on heavily in the past year. In the previous posts I’ve included photos of my coworkers, (who are now my friends) they were my support system day to day while in the office. I would not have made it past 2 years without them…and that is the God honest truth. I am most grateful for my husband who’s been watching me struggle and stay afloat (and fail) for the better part of last year. He has listened to me cry and curse, he’s heard my hurt, confusion and rage and he’s been so patient & supportive while I figured out how to get out and figure out what’s next.
Healing takes time. Healing isn’t easy. Healing is intentional & deliberate. Healing is necessary. I’m very proud of the steps I’m taking and the tools I learned which have provided guidance as I move forward . Sometimes, everything seems so dramatic, but I wasn’t being dramatic, I was being real and taking time to document this isn’t dramatic, it’s my process.
Lastly, occupational wellness is a real thing and whether it’s good or bad, you and your livelihood are impacted. Please value your occupational health.
Thank you all for reading. I appreciate all the feedback and messages you’ve sent my way.
XO-JM